You, say that because I don’t believe in

You, reading this essay, asked me to define who I am and yet the answer is not definite.  I am many things that can’t be truly defined.  But I am not just a thing that is lying around, like this essay I’m writing three hours before the deadline.  I am much more than that.  I am a living, breathing thing that can finish writing an essay within three hours.  

You could say that because I don’t believe in defining myself I am foolishly avoiding the question.  Well, according to a mirror, I am a short 17 year old girl with jet black hair hanging down my back.  I have a wide nose nestled in between a pair of two bright brown eyes.  I am not sexy nor beautiful to look at.  I am what the kids like call “cute” or “adorable”. 

When people first meet me they always say that I have a meek and innocent demeanor with a hint of social awkwardness.  I am a senior who is always mistaken for a freshmen.  I am easily flustered by compliments and hardly defensive by insults.  

I am introverted, but at the same time I am no lone wolf.  I am the opposite, in fact.  And by opposite I do not mean a trusting lamb.  No.  I am a cautious shepherd.  I am a leader who is compassionate, who feels for others and has empathy for those in need.  

People know me by many different words.  In elementary school, I was impulsive.    I thought the world revolved around me.  I remembered going on adventures and exploring what the world has to offer.  Spending hours on end chasing the clouds and watching ants on a hill.  In middle school, I was artistic.  I began developing a passion for cinematography.  I spend many days carrying a camera and waiting for the world to explode through the lens.  Countless days were occupied by filming and sleepless nights were devoted to editing.  In high school, I was perseverant.  I went through a year of hardship and loss.  I was afraid, stressed and desperate.  It took living in three different countries to find what I was looking for.  But a certain somebody taught me how to be courageous in the face of danger.  I preserved and attained victory against my fears.  

I am “daughter” and I am “sister” and I am “friend”.  I have a family that includes a cheesy father, an estranged mother, one hot-headed brother and two spoiled sisters.  I have friends that call me careless, oblivious and dumb. Nevertheless, I love them all. 

Above all the listed “I am-s” the title that has given me the most pleasure is being called “student”.  I am someone who works tirelessly to achieve success.  I am not smart, gifted or lucky, for I compensate what I lack with pure grit.  Each grade I receive is a reflection of my ability.  A reflection of the number of hours I’ve spent attempting to succeed.  I have become independent because I depend on academics to teach me about the world.  Mathematics, science, English, history, art, physical education and religion has helped shape the person I am today.  Mathematics and science taught me diligence.  To never give up despite the difficulty of certain concepts such as implicit differentiation or the conservation of momentum.  English and history made me respect the awe-inspiring power of humanity.  Art fostered the creative side that has been flourishing since middle school.  Physical education established a somewhat competitive aspect of my personality.  Religion showed me how to love with my body, my heart and my soul.  To love myself, the community and most importantly God.  

The way I see myself is not how the world sees me.  The people I meet, the things I do and the thoughts I have is what defines me.  The world defines who I am.  I think that we are all born with a purpose and that God, himself, gives it to us.  

But I haven’t found mine yet.